I took this photo earlier this afternoon as I was dropping off my mini with his dad. We do this dance every day (actually several times a day) where he kisses me and then my husband affectionately yells, "Stop kissing my wife!" and then my son playfully yells, "Stop kissing my mom!"... It can get really overwhelming at bed time!
Anyway, less than ten minutes after I left them to go see a client, I was in tears. This week has been hard for me. As Mother's Day approaches I am feeling several emotions. Very few people know that I am estranged from my mother. Just a year ago she had been living with me and my family due to her deteriorating health. I still don't fully understand that year of my life and everything that transpired, but I can say it wasn't all bad. My mom and my son bonded a lot and my mother got an up close look at my life as a wife, mother, and business owner.
However, this time last year I was near my breaking point. Seeing my mother as ill as she was was more than difficult. I often had flashbacks of my grandmother in her last days. But the emotional discourse that took place during the finally weeks she was with us still haunts me.
I've never been extremely close with my mom, but she did give me a wonderful foundation of faith that I can never, ever deny. So today I let myself cry about the fact that my mother is still alive and I don't have a relationship with her. The friendship I thought we would have at this point in my life is simply non-existent. I also acknowledged that I need more time to heal. And I will do that.
My son has always been emotionally in tune with me and maybe he has known all this time that I needed all those extra kisses and hugs. My own motherhood journey hasn't been without questioning myself as a parent and some days are filled with more guilt than love. But I am forever grateful that God entrusted me with my son. He is my joy. And while sometimes I get overwhelmed with all of life's distractions, I am a mom and a damn good one!
So to all the moms who are feeling anything like me, find some joy this weekend. Let your kids spoil you with imperfect pancakes, homemade cards and flowers from the backyard. Go to Target alone. Get a pedi and have some champagne! You deserve to be celebrated every single day no matter how you feel because you are raising the next generation (with or without your own mother) and that is one hefty job!