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This post is dedicated to my mother, Connie, who has been an exceptional mother to her three biological children and countless others over her lifetime.
With 2015 coming to an end in just a few short weeks, I have begun to plan for 2016. This year was a whirlwind to say the least. With me starting my doula business and with my husband running his first political campaign, I was a very busy wife, mother and businesswoman. This time last year, I was still a full time nanny. Life has definitely changed. But I also tried to find time to do things just for me. We all know how important self care is and I especially wanted to make sure I dedicated some time for that this year. I finally started going to hot yoga (which I LOVE), but I also listened to my body (and my doctor) and took breaks when I needed to. I found out the hard way how teaching Zumba 5 days a week + running + starting a business + helping run a political campaign on top of all of my regular daily tasks put a lot of stress on my body. Since I was no longer working full time, I also wanted to focus on being a more present wife and mother. Basically, less cleaning and more hugs & kisses. That honestly wasn't as hard as I thought. Take away the 9-5 and it can be done! J/K! But really, my husband, son and I shared some very special memories this year and I couldn't be happier about that. However, in the last couple of weeks, I have come to realize that there is more in my life that I want to improve. The one thing in particular that I want to work on is my relationship with my mother. I love my mother dearly and she has been such an inspiration to me, especially after becoming a mother myself. My mother has made sacrifices that only a mother could and would understand. We are not estranged or anything, but there are two states between us and I do not see her often. I did not move back home after college like some fresh graduates decide to do. I was dead set on staying in NC and establishing my life in a city that I feel in love with. But that decision did not come easy for me (or my husband) as both of our families are in GA. The last few years have tough because just as I was getting married and starting my own family, my parents were ending their marriage. We were in completely different times in our lives and I wasn't sure how to be a daughter to either one of my parents at the time. Fast forward a year, and my mother had a serious back injury and had to have major surgery. My twin sister moved in with her and took care of her for the better part of 2 years. Two things came from this: a ton of guilt and a stunning revelation. You know that feeling you get when you've spent too much time working and not enough time with your family? That feeling you get when you have spent more time during the day fussing or complaining than positive parenting? Yeah, mommy guilt. Well I have experienced a different type of mom guilt. The type of guilt where you know you should call/visit more, but your schedule and finances won't allow it. Or when you've decided to stop travelling for the holidays to see family because it is just too much. Or when you have to show your son pictures of his grandmother just so he will recognize her when you do visit again. Yes, this is real. And it does not feel good. I am only 4 years into motherhood and each new day is different from the last. But what happens when your children are grown? What happens when you have an empty nest but still need to be needed? What happens to the mother that may need to be mothered? I never really gave these questions a real thought until I talked to my mother earlier this week. After our conversation, I had a revelation: my job as a doula is to "mother the mother" until she is comfortable and confident in mothering on her own. But this same thing should be considered for those who are done raising their own children. There are women who need to be mothered so they can put there best foot forward. Someone to listen to them when they are sad, angry or frustrated. Someone who will not judge them. Someone who will be there for them no matter what. We all need it at some point. I have mothered my friends, nanny moms, nanny babies and even my own sister. I myself still need to be mothered. But it's hard to think that a woman like my mother who is so strong with even stronger faith in God needs this. But then it really hit me. My grandmother died when I was just 8 years old. My mother was in her 30s and I remember it being a very difficult time for her and all of my aunts and uncles. I honestly can't imagine not having my mother around while I raise my son. I still remember the first time I called my mother and ask, "How did you do it all?" And I was so serious. But how exactly do I mother my own mother? How can I possibly give her the same things she gave me as a child now that we are both adults? While attending an event a couple of months ago, I heard the host say, "2016 is the year of the woman!" That made me smile and also gave me a boost of confidence that I started my business at the right time :) But as it relates to my relationships, I want to have flourishing female relationships in 2016. In business, with my old friends, with new friends and especially with my mother. I want her to know and feel that I love her and I only want the best for her. I want her to come to me if she needs anything-just like a mother. I am going to be intentional about the effort I put forth in these relationships because they matter to me. "Mothering the mother" shouldn't end after birth. It should be ongoing through life with family and friends. It will be those small exchanges that will help us continue to totally rock motherhood & doulahood and encourage others to do the same.
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As I open my eyes and hear my son singing from his room down the hall, I hope you were able to get a fraction of the sleep that I did last night. And as I prepare to take my son to school, I go over notes from my last visit a couple of days ago. I update them based on the articles I read yesterday to give you more information and reassurance that the things you are experiencing are normal and likely won't last. I give you a call and ask if there is anything you need that I can pick up on my way to your house. I pull up to your house and notice an unfamiliar car in the driveway. I use the key you gave me and let myself in because I know you are likely nursing the baby or you have just gotten him to sleep and are having a precious moment with him. I enter the kitchen and your guest introduces herself to me. She is a colleague from work who wanted to stop in and check on you. We chat for a few minutes while I put away a few groceries and load the dishwasher. I place the flowers she bought you in a vase. She asks me questions about what I do and how I got into a career as a birth worker and I happily tell her. I then excuse myself so I can check on you and see if you need anything. I take the baby and put him down in his bassinet for a nap. While you take a much needed shower, I change the linens on your bed, refill your basket of supplies next to your bed and set up your breast pump so you can pump after you get out of the shower. I ensure that you have a few choices of nursing bras and camisoles available for you to wear. I start a load of baby laundry. I ask what you would like for lunch and head back downstairs. After 25 minutes, your coworker greets you with a hug and tells you how great you look. You immediately notice a wonderful fragrance and thank her for the lovely flowers. I take the two bottles of breast milk you pumped, label them and put them in the refrigerator for later. You pour yourself some fresh juice and finally start to catch up with your guest. You tell her how great everything is going since you gave birth aside from the lack of sleep. But you are actually getting used to that. You tell her how overwhelming the first few days were because there was so much you and your husband didn't know. You tell her that none of the books you read told you how things would really be after having a baby. You tell her that you were scared to leave the hospital because you knew you wouldn't have any help at home. I come in to the sunroom where you are talking. I take the appetizer plate of fruit away to make room for the salad and baked potatoes that I made you both for lunch. It is then that you tell your colleague that having me around was the best decision you could have made after giving birth. You go on and on about how nice it is to have someone who not only cares for the baby, but for you. You tell her how essential it is for you to have someone to ask questions, help with breastfeeding, meal preparation and even taking out the trash because you are still healing from your c-section. You tell her that even your own mother can't help you with some of the issues you were having simply because they didn't exist when you were a baby and she just doesn't know. You tell her that you quickly learned to trust me because after the first day, you knew you and your family were in good hands. You tell me to take a break and sit down with you all so we can all have lunch together. I bring back a small plate and more of the fresh juice I taught you how to make during my first week with you. I recommended that you learn how to use your juicer and maximize all of its health benefits. But no sooner that I sit down and take one bite, the baby wakes up. I tell you to keep chatting & eating with your friend and I will get the baby. As I head upstairs, I hear your friend say, "Can I hire her even without having a baby?" You both start to laugh before you answer, "Having a baby is like nothing else in this world. Having her to help me is the icing on the cake." After changing the baby's diaper, we return downstairs and you introduce your new love to your colleague who is fawning all over him. I clean up the lunch dishes and prepare a couple of snacks for you to have later. Your friend leaves and we sit down to discuss anything new or of concern to you since we last saw one another. I also take the time to make sure the baby's latch is good while you are nursing him. You have had a significant reduction in pain and soreness since exploring different breastfeeding positions. I then give you copies of the articles I found yesterday and email you the links as well. You grab your shoes and your Moby wrap and we go on our usual afternoon walk. After circulating the neighborhood a few times, your baby is asleep and we head back towards your house. When we arrive, your husband is checking the mail after just pulling up. He greets us with a big smile and asks about the days' events. Upon entering the kitchen, you see the "homework" or list of things I want you both to start thinking about now that I have been with you for a month. I ask if you will need me to start dinner and before you can answer, your husband says no. He will handle dinner tonight. Before I leave, I finish the laundry I started and update the grocery list on the chalkboard in the kitchen. I gather my things and say, "Call me if you need to" like always. As I head to my car, your husband follows behind me and says, "Thank you. I know we couldn't be doing this well without you. And I especially appreciate you taking the time to make sure I have daddy bottles in the frig so I can feed the baby when I get home. Thank you so much." I smile and tell him that he is more than welcome. I back out of the driveway knowing that I have successfully helped get them one day closer to finding the balance of their new normal. This is just another day in the life of a Postpartum Doula. This is why you should hire Best of Both Worlds Doula Services. Want to meet me and learn more about my services? Register for my Meet the Doula event! You are about to give birth to your precious little one. After months of physical and emotional changes, you are anxious to meet your baby. The nursery is ready. All of the tiny baby clothes have been laundered and neatly put away. Friends and family are checking in on you frequently to see if you have gone into labor. You are ready. Or are you?
In the blink of an eye, you are in the hospital marveling at the beautiful being that you bravely and fiercely gave birth to. Or maybe you gave birth in the comfort of your own home with a midwife, labor doula and your family nearby. You are a new mother with the amazing yet daunting task of caring for a brand new life. A whole person. Now what? Many new mothers find that the first few weeks and months after giving birth are overwhelming. Breastfeeding on demand and lack of sleep are at the top of the list for a new mother's stress. Add in the lingering pain from birth, hormonal changes, visitors, partners returning to work, other children to care for and a household to keep in tack... You quickly realize you need help. But what type of help do you really need? As a former Career Nanny turned Postpartum Doula, I know first hand what each role entails and how different the roles can be. Both can be very essential to new mothers and growing families, but deciding which type of postpartum care is right for you should be thought about and discussed in depth. When considering whether to hire a nanny or a postpartum doula, you should consider the following: -your budget -the length of time you will need help -the training, education and experience of your care giver -child care vs. mother & family care -transitioning back to work A nanny is a care giver that generally provides child care for families. Duties may include providing educational, emotional and physical care for the children, light housework, play dates and pet care. They work anywhere from 20-40 hours per week while parents work, depending on the needs of the family. They may also provide the family with babysitting services for date nights. Postpartum doulas provide a different type of care. Postpartum doulas provide temporary care for families and are experts in normal adjustment. We are trained specifically to the help with the many changes that families experience during the first three months after birth or the "fourth trimester." Postpartum doulas provide whole family care focusing on mom and baby. We assist with breastfeeding/bottle feeding, baby soothing and sleep techniques, baby wearing, sibling adjustment and as well as integrating other family members into a routine you may want to develop. We also provide an educational aspect to our care that helps leave the parents confident and assured that they can handle their new normal. Ideally, if you are looking for long term child care in your home, you may want to hire a nanny. Nannies are great because they are like a second mother and care for your children like their own. Their experience and educational background may vary, but the level of care that your children will receive will be very close to your own, generally speaking. While nannies may have other daily duties, their first priority is taking care of your children. If you are a new mother in need of more personal care and support, advice, guidance, modern education and training and someone to make you feel okay about the choices you make for your family, then a postpartum doula is definitely the right choice for you. You will pay more for a doula, but the level of care you receive will be worth more than you can imagine. There are also other types of care givers to consider such as a Baby Nurse, Newborn Care Specialist, Night Nurse/Nanny, Baby Sleep Consultant or a Lactation Consultant. One of the reasons I became a doula is because after many years of being a nanny and doing some research regarding career advancement, I discovered that I was already offering the services of a Postpartum Doula. I was working with many first time parents and learning more and more about postpartum matters and the specific concerns of each mother. I listened to their pregnancy and birth stories, helped their husbands understand what mom was going through and what life would now be like. I gave them articles and websites to refer to when I was not at work. And of course I cared for and bonded with each of their babies like they were my own. With each new family that I cared for, I learned about their individual needs and wants and catered specifically to them. Becoming a Postpartum Doula was a natural career decision for me. While I do miss being a nanny at times, I feel that I can offer much more to families now. And I really like the fact that I can help several families simultaneously. Working with children and families is all I have ever known and I am happy to bring my experience as nanny to my new profession. It's the Best of Both Worlds! Can I just start by saying that becoming a doula has been so fulfilling! And I haven’t even worked with my first doula family yet! It sounds silly, I know. But the doula and birth workers community has been an amazing presence and such an asset to me and my business.
Three years ago, after having my son and reevaluating my future, I began my research to become a doula. I was a Career Nanny, but I was also a new mother and wife. My husband and I ultimately decided that I would be a SAHM for a while until we came up with a long term plan for child care. I was learning two new roles simultaneously and frankly, glad that I didn’t have to take on the added responsibility of a job as well. And it was… well, hard. I had no idea how difficult it would be to care for a newborn, a household and a husband who was also a new dad. And with both of our families being in Georgia, we had no help after the first month. Having a background in education and working with children and families for many years should have made our transition to parenthood easy, right? No. Both my husband and I struggled to keep the balance. But we learned more and more each day about our son and each other as parents. When my son turned a year old, I got serious about my decision to become a doula. By this time, I had returned to work as a nanny and I was so grateful for the families that allowed me to bring my son with me to work. Not all families are open to this type of child care and it took me a few months to find the right situation. At first, I was a bit underwhelmed because doulas have only recently become a serious mainstream topic and career choice. Most people that I talk to still do not know what a doula is or how significant their role can be to a new mother. But as I got deeper into my research and learned more about my local doula community, I became overwhelmed! North Carolina is a hub for many things such as higher education and apparently birth work. Even though I wasn’t 100% sure how I was going to do it, I started making a plan. I was going to need to transition from a Career Nanny to a Doula, so I decided to become a Postpartum Doula first. Because of my education, child care center background and nanny experience, I found that I was actually already doing the work of a Postpartum Doula. My husband has always said that I need to treat myself as business. But frankly, that was and is a bit difficult for me. Yes, I offer a service(s), but I offer more than that. I offer families peace of mind, comfort, support, reassurance, education as well as advice and it is hard not to give your whole heart in this business. I have been burned and hurt by more than a few of my nanny families, but that has not stopped me from answering what I believe is my calling. So after 8 years of being a nanny to nearly a dozen families, I made the decision to go for it! Leaving my last nanny family was so difficult for several reasons including a pretty bad car accident. I now know, if it wasn’t then, I may still be a nanny and I may not have taken the next steps towards becoming a doula. I took my Postpartum Doula training earlier this year and I have been building my business almost every day since then. The first thing I did was purchase and set up my website. That was definitely a priority to me. Other priorities included designing and ordering business cards, finding a mentor and clearly defining what set me a part from all of the other doulas in my area. Little did I know, I already had my niche’ built in with my other business-fitness. Best of Both Worlds Doula Services not only offers antepartum, postpartum and consultant services, but also perinatal fitness services. I became a licensed Zumba and Zumba Kids instructor last year and I absolute love it! Fitness has only been a passion of mine for a couple of years, but I became serious about it after having my son and having to have a myomectomy a year & a half later. Fitness was the missing piece to me gaining control of my whole self again-mentally, emotionally and physically. I believe that everything lined up just as it should have last year for me to be right where I am today. And as I mentioned before, I haven't worked with my first mother/family yet, but I pray every day for her/them. I have even been saying, “Thank you for the beautiful new baby and family in my future. I can’t wait to love and care for them” each and every day. I often think to myself, “I wonder if my a future client became a new mom today?” As you can see, I am a very hopeful and optimistic doula newbie :) But I’ve certainly learned quite a bit from the doula community on Facebook. First and foremost, every doula has different professional and business practices and not everyone agrees with or respects everyone’s practices. With more research and joining several doula and birth worker groups, I have learned what kind of doula I want to grow to become. Being a Full Spectrum Doula is now my aspiration. FSDs often give care in all different types of situations such as high risk pregnancies, miscarriage and child loss, abuse, trauma, painful birth experiences, elderly care and doula-to-doula care. I am currently looking into other certifications such as Newborn Care Specialist and Lactation Consultant, but that will be later on. I plan to start my birth certification in a couple in 2017. I have also learned that there is a small percentage of DOCs (Doulas of Color) that practice. While I am definitely proud to be one, my practice will be open and available to any mother/family who seeks my services. But I do want to be a new, young face that all mothers can be confident and comfortable in working with. I only hope to gain more knowledge with each day on my new journey to my new career. This blog post was originally posted on August 3, 2015 as a guest blog post for Cornerstone Doula Trainings of Los Angeles, CA. |
About the AuthorKelly Collins Archives
March 2026
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